And at the end of the day, after all, I resigned to survive…
The anger and the pain were life partners to me for many, many years. I lost moments that now are just in my memory.
Living quietly is the worst punishment to any human being; the dream of being free was just that, an unreachable dream, and in that sense of freedom my mind flew every day to the world I learned, to the world I dreamed.
I wanted to be, I wanted to say, I wanted to… Tttttalk and b-be heard; but there was an enemy that knew me from all my life, that took advantage of every moment of weakness to make my surviving a living hell. An enemy that made me cry, that made me weak, quiet and submissive. Every possibility of nobleness got away from me each day and with that emerged someone completely distant, cold and insecure of everything.
I talked but my voice didn’t make a sound; mocks accompanied me since I can remember.
My family and friends laughed at that boy that went nuts every day for wanting to be “normal” like everyone else… The joke that my repetitions caused was my biggest disgrace.
There was a period of my life when I chose to be transparent… The school, the family and every attempt to be social was true agony. Living to survive, silent talking, there was a world and me; me against everything and everyone.
The question that gave me no answer emerged every instant, will I be eloquent or at least happy one day? When will I stop stuttering?
People are fast to judge and one feels intimidated in any approach with the world. Phrases like “easy Erik”, “it’s alright”… But did they even know the nightmare of being a stutterer?
It was evident that I felt dead while being alive, I used tricks of every shape, taste and colour to cover my stutter, I cried, I beat myself up every moment of my life. I always asked myself why me? Why me?
One day I heard a spot on TV and it got me thinking that, if there were others like me, maybe I would find a cure.
I got excited, and after 2 failed attempts I stopped thinking about the “cure”. Years went by since that TV commercial and in 2015 came the awaited “cure”. Torreon indicated to be my salvation but in the end, it was Guadalajara. How can I forget the day before the course, I went with my mind all over the place and the illusions of something that seemed to be one more attempt to stop being a resigned stutterer. Hours went by and I can sum up that, 5 months after graduating, I’m still deeply grateful for everything and everyone that make the change a reality.
Thanks to Guadalajara, thanks to Alfredo, thanks to Ivan and Javier, thanks… Thanks and the rest is history, memories and memory. I’m still fighting to get to my goal, I’m still falling, I’m still crying, I’m still someone who stutters but now as a friend from Torreon says, I’m a professional stutterer.
Never give up, never say no, and above all, never forget something…
Never stop, never.
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